Awkward!

I haven't written in a while. A lot of whiles. And it's because I just so haven't felt like it at all I can't even explain how much I didn't wanna oh mercy I sometimes wondered if I'd ever construct a sentence again!

In fact, I didn't feel like doing a damn thing beyond looking at birds, rolling around on the floor with my dog, reading books, hanging with my pals, going for hikes, binge watching, puttering, napping, online shopping for the perfect hand towel...basically anything that could be filed under "not writing."

For, like, four years.

So what's the big whoop de do if I'm enjoying myself, right?

Right. Absolutely.

The issue, however, was that as truly enjoyable as all of the aforementioned activities were (I mean, you should see some of these birds!), I kinda lied, after a while I actually did want to do a damn thing beyond all that.

I got bored you see. I missed challenging myself. I wanted to sink my teeth into writing something meaningful. I wanted to roll around on the floor with some words AND my dog.

Here's how it tended to go around here - see if you can relate to it in some area of your life:

1.) I'd feel uninspired, stuck, wallowing around in the discomfort of my writerly ho-hummery.

2.) I'd come up with an idea for a new book/essay/talk/song/haiku.

3.) I'd madly start taking notes and researching and blabbing about it and deciding that this, THIS was the project I'd been searching for that would change the course of my life and quite possibly all of history and then a few days would go by and I'd start losing steam and decide my idea was dumb/too much work/not anything I'm actually interested in or good at explaining and will you look at this stir fry recipe that just popped up who ever thought of boiling the rice in coconut milk instead of water are you kidding me I'm making this right now...

Before long I'd find myself back in my robe and slippers, doop de dooing under my lap blanket, feeling like I should be writing something.

OMFG there's a new finch in the birdbath?! I must sit here all day and watch it.

I was equal parts bored, unmotivated, itchy and uninspired.

It was such an awkward, sludgy feeling. And like most awkward, sludgy feelings, I allowed it to take over my consciousness.

I constantly talked about how stuck I felt, I walked around justifying and dissecting and explaining how I had ideas but nothing was sticking, putting everyone around me, including myself, in a deep deep sleep about my "dilemma."

It wasn't until I finally shut up, stopped focusing on my stuckness and impatience and started focusing for reals on the infinite amount of awesomeness in my life, that things "magically" started moving (you're welcome, all the people in my life).

And by focusing for reals, I don't mean not not focusing on the things I was impatient about (which is, ahem, basically focusing on them) but by truly getting mighty worked up about all the infinite things, great and small, that I appreciated about my life and the world in general.

I started truly enjoying myself and having faith that what I was meant to do next would be revealed, and the sooner I let it go the sooner I'd let it in.

Demanding growth and change out of a desire to no longer be where you're at is like pulling the petals apart on a bud before the flower is ready to bloom.

Let nature take its course, chill out, focus on watering/sunning/enjoying and not only keep the faith that what you desire is on its way, but shut up with the whining long enough that you can hear/feel/recognize your calling it when it shows up.

Now, I do realize that there are times in life when we have to do stuff we don't feel like doing, like showing up for work or feeding the kids or taking the car in for an oil change.

And I'm not saying we should all sit around and be like, "yeah, I know you're hungry, but I'm waiting for the flower to bloom so it's time you learned to cook your own spaghetti, four-year-old of mine."

• Do the things you gotta do.

• Take action in the direction you know you want to head even if you don't have all the answers yet and even if you don't feel like it.

• Find such joy and appreciation in being present with these actions that you forget you're waiting for anything else to show up (I swear I've met some of the nicest people whilst sitting around at Jiffy Lube).

• Relax.

• Breathe.

• Keep your mind calm, your heart open and your faith strong that messages from the Universe are always on their way to you and usually hit when you least expect it.

I'm a little more than a little excited to report that I do believe my flower has finally bloomed and that I'm working on some new stuff that has me all fired up.

And if I could shift my focus and go from complaining and itchy to present and joyful, you can too.